The diary of a chocolate!!

 

The first moment, when I stepped into this beautiful world, my parents rejoiced. My mother held me in her tender hands, closely holding me to her bosom and kissing me on my forehead. My father’s joys knew no bounds. He distributed sweets to everyone in the hospital and the neighbourhood. I had given him the joy of being a father. It was a great deal. I was a great deal. Although, it took a lot of time to understand.

At that point of time, having a girl child was like an additional baggage.. rather an unwanted baggage according to the society. But my parents, never felt that way. They loved me for who I used to be, and for what I was. The apple of their eyes – and I felt proud of being in my skin.

Life was happy until I grew up. They say that life gives you a strong blow, only when you learn that it is a blow. Probably life felt that I was ready for the challenges that it had been waiting for all its life. It was time

The only fact that I had not learn was that  the world out there is not how it was portrayed to me. It was a meanly cruel world. And I had fight for my existence with the most dangerous animal  – the human being. It was just like the survival of the fittest. There’s apparently no difference between animals and us. They fight for dominance and power, so do we.

It is just that they attack physically, and we attack the minds – weakening it, creating insecurities and lack of confidence.

Dad always told me, that I was his little princess – the most beautiful one. I had believed it, but the world did not. Not that I was the most beautiful one, but I wished the world considered me a fellow human being.

My chocolaty brown complexion was not considered beautiful. From time immemorial, we have been taught, that fair is beautiful and dark is ugly. In schools, where we were taught using charts, the fair girl was the beautiful one and the dark one was ugly. Even with colours, the black is associated with evil and white is associated with purity. It took a lot of time to understand the whole situation.

My journey as a little to a teenager and from a teenager to a young woman has never been easy. I was constantly ridiculed, mocked and insulted for who I was. I would usually blame the people who mocked me, but I never realised that it is more than what it looked like.

I started ignoring the world out there, because I knew there was no point in convincing people that I was just like them – beautiful. I realised there was no point in making the world understand that beauty is just in the mind. And beauty can never be defined. I realised that the world out there didn’t consider me to be beautiful enough. I often found myself laughing at the ideology that I was never considered to be pretty during my college days only because I was darker in complexion.

Times passed by and I learnt to live on my legs independently. I loved this life, where I earned my livelihood and became responsible for my actions and paid my bills. I was proud of who I was and what I was.

At 26, I hadn’t found the man of my dreams and it didn’t seem to worry me – not even by a bit. But, with my parents it surely did. And most importantly, more than my parents it worried the society. They would often say “ Are you looking for a groom for your daughter?”

“Ask her to go for some skin lightening treatments, it will give her better prospects!”

“Oh!!! Isn’t she too educated for a man?”

“I can understand, how difficult it must get. A young girl at your house – of marriageable age. I wish she was a little more attractive – we could get better packages for her?”

What does one even mean by packages!! It’s not some sort of a business negotiation.

At this point, people starting seeing me as a social outcaste. Even the advertisements promoted how important it is to be fairer in complexion. I just couldn’t understand the idea of why is it so important to be fair. The idea of colour being an important criterion for beauty always baffled me.

Then came a time where people came to see me if I were eligible enough to get married to their son. But as soon as they saw me , all I got to hear about me was that”Is she the girl?? We would like to think about it, give us some time” And all that we got later on, was a polite refusal.

Was I ugly??

My mom started getting worried for me. I turned 27 , still the world out there considered me ugly. I wasn’t someone beautiful. Suddenly all the beautiful fairy tales I had heard during my childhood seemed like a beautiful story, but a story at the end of the day. The reality is so different. No matter how the boy is, the girl is expected to be perfect. She should be fair, slim ,tall, intelligent, efficient – in other words, perfect.

“Why are we imposed restrictions all the time. What is my fault, if I’m born with this” I would often question my parents. Little did I understand that it wasn’t my fault and it wasn’t a disability.

Finally one fine day there came a guy, who was ready to marry me, to accept me for who I am. But his family had some restrictions. He wanted to settle in London. He wanted to pursue his MBA and lead a comfortable life style there. His family had the condition that my parents buy him a house there and also sponsor his studies. This would mean that my parents would have to incur another 50 lakhs. I belong to a normal middle class family , and my parents cannot afford this. However they agreed to this.

I was mad with anger. I just couldn’t understand the norms of this society.Why was getting married such an important thing in life? It’s not like they were buying him!! Why all this for?? And for what means?? We do not need to live in such a hypocritical situation. On one hand, we talk about how dowry is a crime and on the other hand, we talk about exchanging money like this. It’s more like a business.

I will not support this nonsense. I had made my mind up that I shall fight. I shall not give up. I am not going to be like others.

One fine day, I happened to overhear my parents discuss about the finances, about how difficult they find it to arrange for such a huge amount. This was the first time I heard mom say “What do you think should we do? I never thought that my child would face anything like this in the world. The world out there has been insulting my child since the time she was born. She is going through so much. And today we find it so difficult, to get her married. And I know one thing for sure , these people will never keep her happy. They will keep tormenting her for more and more money. I feel so helpless .”

I came down, sat on the floor and decided to talk the situation in my hands. I held my mom’s hand and dad’s hands with both my hands.

“I know you guys hate me for saying this. But I won’t be happy in such a marriage. I want to get married to a responsible and a mature person. Not someone, who cannot afford to study with his own money. Not with someone, who thinks he can command a girl’s family to sponsor his education. I don’t want to be with someone who cannot decide between the good and the bad, the right and the wrong. I do not want to be among the people who think that they can have their son sold, in order to extract some money.

I want to be happily married. I want to be proud of the guy I am getting married to. I need to respect him – unconditionally and irrevocably. That I cannot do with this guy, or perhaps any guy who thinks I am not worthy of respect. Marriage is not the only thing that can define me. I can survive without that. I am not saying that I will never marry. But all I am saying is that I shall marry someone who deserves me – your little princess. Someone who is a warm human being, and I shall meet someone like that. Perhaps, now is not the right time. When the right time comes, I shall marry. But not now. And if I don’t marry at all, it doesn’t make me any less of a woman. I shall at least be happy about who I am.”

Mom had tears in her eyes as she heard me out “ I am proud of you – for who you are and for what you are. Go, live your life. We are with you in every decision of yours.”

Dad just knelt forward and kissed my forehead.

I had just won a small fight. The battle was yet to be won. The monsters are yet to perish.

 

 

 

 

THE FLASH BACK

It was raining heavily today. It was as if the clouds are really in a resentful melancholy mourning someone’s death. I had never seen such a rainy day in the past ten to fifteen years of my life here. The monsoon was always the most pleasant season all the times. The most cherished season. I was so badly stuck in this rain without an umbrella. It wasn’t expected , when suddenly a car zoomed past in front of me . I was infuriated ” Drunken Monkey”.The car came to a stand still. I was aghast because my white dress was completely splashed with the muddy water. 

To my surprise I saw a known shadow from a distance. It was a face I could never forget , a face I knew I would never be able to forget. A face that I was in love with once upon a time. A face that once meant my life to me . I stood there , shocked and still. I didn’t know how to react. Before he could say anything, i chose to leave. As I was about to leave, he just stood there and said “Sorry”.

I was like ” Sorry ??? For what? There are many things in the world for which sorry is not acceptable”. I started to leave with tears in my eyes. The tears that I held for such a long time, the tears that I could hold no longer. He held me by my hand. His touch still vibrates my mind .

I went aghast like “What?” 

Since it was raining badly we took a shelter in a nearby small tea shop. He bought me tea and there we are sipping the tea staring at the rainy droplets.Who knew this rain would bring back someone from my past. Who knew that I would ever see him again. I didn’t know if I were to be happy or angry. But I knew I was happy seeing him alive. I was always afraid that something had happened to him. He loved me. He couldn’t stay away from me like this.The rain bought back the memories of the past.

Mayank and I were in love seven years ago. He was someone I could always depend on. Someone with whom I could always be stupid with. Someone who accepted me with all my flaws. He was there, my life , my soul , my everything. There was never a day where I could imagine my life without him. Being neighbors , we always played together as kids , we went to the same school. But when the time came to take up engineering , he made it to IIT Mumbai and I decided to take it up here, in Bangalore.It was for the first time , that I realised that I loved him so much. That moment when I realised that he was going to go away from me , I realised the pain of love.That night I got a call from him and he asked me to go to his place. He said ” I wanna show you something special , please come over to my place.” I thought of confessing my love for him that I had for him from such a long time. “It was time”.When I went to his place, the living room was so dark without any ray of light. I called out his name , no response. I thought of going to his room. I went upstairs.

As I enter the room, all I see is candles lit all over the room  and on his study desk , I see all the toys and the gifts we had as kids. He had preserved every single gift I had given him on his birthday. Tears started flowing from my eyes. He comes wipes them and plants a gentle kiss on my cheeks ” I have always loved you, Tanisha . Will you be mine?”There couldn’t be a better beginning to this. I thought my life was just as good as a fairy tale. I mean how often do you get to be with that person for the rest of your life who is your childhood best friend. I thought I was the luckiest girl. ” Stupid, I never thought I’ll have to bear you for the rest of my life, I love you Idiot ” .

Life was so perfect. May be not so perfect. Soon after this incident , he moved to Mumbai and got busy with his life. My life too got busy with the other priorities that I had.One of the things that I hated about LDR is that it brings distance between you and your loved one. Then came a time when our parents got to know about each other. We expected to get blasted from both the sides of parents , but then they were gladly happy for us. They would talk about the two of us getting married. It was decided that once I get done with my engineering, they get us married.I used to get so excited thinking of we getting married. I was always amused by the idea of staying with him . He had plans of doing his MS abroad. It was so perfect , until the big day. The day we were about to get engaged. 

I was staring at my window. My eyes were waiting for him. He didn’t turn up. I tried calling him. The number was switched off. His parents were aghast at this. They couldn’t believe he was gone. I couldn’t accept that the person who I loved so much just left me , without a word. Without any news.

Since this incident, there was a wall of bitterness between his parents and mine. Till date they don’t even speak to each other. As of me , I had taken it to insanity. I just withdrew myself from life. I quit my job, sat at home doing nothing. My parents thought it to be the best to send me to some other place , where I could forget him and move on.It was then , that I was sent to Canada, where my uncle stays. I learnt to move on with my life . It was here that I met my husband and after sometime I got married to him. 

I never got to know what happened to Mayank. A part of me was always worried about him. I didn’t know if he was even alive. A part of me always wanted to know what made him leave me.Was I that bad? Did he find someone better?

“Tanisha, listen to me once . What I did , was the best thing I could have ever done for you.I always have cared for you. I always wanted you to be happy.”

“Happy?? Leaving me when we were about to get engaged that is your definition of happiness. Leaving someone who trusted you so much was your definition of happy. Creating a wall of bitterness between people is your definition of happy.Letting down someone, who trusts you so much is your definition of happy. I’m so sorry I do not happiness anywhere in that!”

“I had brain tumor.2 weeks before our engagement, I had started experiencing headaches frequently. I thought this is not something normal, I should get a check up. It was just on the day before the engagement I learnt about the tumor in my brain. I spoke to the doctor, he said he cannot promise me anything . “I’ll try my best Mayank, but I cannot promise you anything.” It was as if my world had ended even before it begun. I had lost everything . I couldn’t tell it to you because I knew you wouldn’t leave me alone with it. I didn’t have the heart to tell my parents anything because I was their only son, and they would lose their life. I had to go away. I wanted the best for you . I wanted you to move on , marry a man with a long life and stay with him happily forever. You are a princess, Tanisha. I’ve always wanted the best for you , I’ve always cared about you. I wanted you to move on , so I decided to go away. “

I couldn’t believe my ears. How could I have hated this man. How could I have not been there for the person whom I had claimed to love so dearly. How could I have been so selfish. But still there were a lot of questions to be answered.

“Where were you all these years , Mayank? “

” I was staying in Brazil with my uncle. I had my treatment going on there, I asked my uncle not to reveal anything to my parents . I didn’t want to hurt my parents.Fortunately , I survived the pain and I was granted my life back. But , Alas!! Nothing was just like before. I was left with nothing. I came back to India two years ago, and when I went home , I found it to be locked. The watchman handed me the keys and left. He didn’t say anything. I went inside to find my parents photos framed with flowers hanging on them.I couldn’t believe that they were dead. I was not even there during their funeral. I was not there when they needed me the most. I was never there for people who mattered the most to me . I couldn’t be there for you, I couldn’t be there for my parents. Lost and lonely , I decided that I shall stay back here.This is the place where the memory of my parents will last me forever.I shall lead my life with those memories.”

I didn’t know what to say. He was the man whom I loved so much and today he was there lost , lonely and without a help. 

“Mayank, I’m sorry. I could never be there for you when you needed me the most. Mayank , I have broken my promise of being there for you always. I’m a married woman now Mayank.I have a husband to take care of. But I promise you that I’ll be there for you from now on whenever you need me.We’re childhood mates remember. You are not alone in this fight ,Mayank. Anytime you need me , I’ll be there. Just don’t be afraid of me judging you. I always have understood you. But you shall have to trust me with that.”

He smiled. 

This feels so good. To have kept the past in the past. Its happy that I get to see him . We’re friends again.

 

THE FRUSTRATED MIND

I never thought much about my life. I have everything that you call a perfect life.A roof above my head to sleep peacefully. Beautiful clothes to wear on. A loving family , that always stood by my side through the storms and through the bliss. I have the parents who always understood that I’m just another human being with a tendency to make mistakes. Yet, they love me so tenderly despite of all the flaws within me.

I should consider myself lucky compared to all this. You know why . There are  a lot of people out there who do not get these few basic necessities of life. Just like every other creature , a human being is also thirsty for love.There are a lot of people out there who are begging instead of studying or playing in their childhood.There are people who are abused by parents for the slightest of the mistakes.And then there are even people who don’t even have parents. There are a lot of people who go hungry many nights because they cannot afford to have a single meal.Here am I , who is complaining of not having enough clothes, but then there are kids out there who are forced  to wear stinking , ragged clothes just because they cant afford to buy a new one. There are kids who walk bare footed in the harsh summer of India, because they cannot afford for a basic pair of slippers.

How pathetic is their situation.

I just realised , how selfish am I , that I do not understand that many people out there do not get what I have already. That day , I was struck in the signal when a small boy of not more than 5 years came to me to sell groundnut seeds. Since , I do not like the ground nuts I refused. He said , these are just mere groundnuts for you, but they’re my only survival. If I do not sell them , I will have to go with a hungry stomach to bed yet again even today. I offered to give him a meager amount but I wouldn’t be buying groundnuts from him. He refused. I was actually surprised. He wanted to earn that money but not beg. This boy inspired me a lot. Even though he was facing so much of problems in life, he decided to earn and not resort to begging. I’m sure , this boy will make something of himself when he grows up 

THE “V” DAY

How often have you thought about valentine’s day??

Well , almost every year during this part of time I have observed that while all the people in relationship are so excited about being in a relationship because this is that one day that they get special treatment. They are made to feel so special, so loved , so wanted.While on the other hand , I have also witnessed singles cursing their fate as to why haven’t they found their special soul mate. Why is it that ” I am so single even till now? Every one is getting into a relationship, getting engaged or getting married and then here I am. Just spending the 14th February of my life just like any other ordinary day” .

 

There are a few basic myths about “The Valentine’s Day ” that we tend to follow blindly:

  • Valentine’s day is not just for lovers, its for everyone. Love is nothing but a very tender form of saying that you care for someone. Love is to tell someone that you respect them for who they for what they are. Love is to adore a creature for every best and the worse reasons.
  • It is not necessary that it is just as i mentioned only for lovers. It can be for your parents, your friends , your siblings, your pets , mother nature.Every such creature that has life in it . It is a symbolization that we all are united. And united we stand in harmony , peace and understanding. Forgetting all the past experiences ,moving ahead with a new life. To remove the poison of the jealousy , hatred and anger within ourselves and nurturing the mind with the goodness of  love.
  • Its time that during this part of the year, we take vows to forget all the past animosities and lead a life with compassion , kindness and sympathy

 

 

Spread love 🙂 

LIFE LESSONS DISNEY MOVIES TEACH US

So, I have been this girl who’s grown up reading fairy tales , watching Disney movies. Well, apparently the first thing that comes to out mind , when I say about the disney movies are the happy endings. No!!!! There is more to it. Its just not just the things that lead to happy endings. We all have happy endings but if only if we chose to have them.

Here’s the list of ten things that disney movies taught us :

1. ACCEPT WHAT YOU ARE :

Most of the problems that we face today are because we do not accept ourselves. We try to imitate someone , try to be someone. One of the best lessons I learnt from ” The lion king” was that you can’t run away from your identity.What matters in the end is who you are. Accepting yourself and making the best of it . You are never going to achieve anything by denying the fact. In fact, we lose out on a lot in the process of turning out to be someone else.

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2. NEVER RESTRAIN FROM HELPING  OTHERS

We all know the story of the Snow White. She was helped by seven dwarfs who had no benefit in helping her. They tried to help her in the best possible way without having any benefit to themselves. Many a times we meet a lot of such people who go out of their way to help us, without expecting anything in return.

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3.YOU CAN NEVER BE DESPONDENT

We all know how much Cinderella went through. She had an evil step mother and two selfish step-sisters. They were the people who used her just as their slave. Even in extreme situations, Cinderella didn’t lose hope. She did what was right. At the right time , her life took a transformation when the god mother came and transformed her into a person she never imagined she could be. Despite everything , she forgave her sisters and mother for everything that she had done.

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5. NEVER LOSE HOPE

Sleeping Beauty was cursed when she was born. It was as if the world ended even before it started. Years rolled by, until one day when everything changed. A prince walked by in the kingdom, kissed the sleeping princess, to wake her up. Life changed even though it took a long time. So , always wait till its your time .

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6.NEVER KILL THE CHILD INSIDE YOU

Peter Pan always has taught me not to kill the child inside me . What’s life if we become all serious about it . Nobody takes us seriously, so why bother to take it seriously.

I learnt its important not to kill the kid within ourselves even if grow up

Its okay to watch cartoons

Its okay to spend money on the things that you like

Its okay to be obsessive over something you really love

Fight for what you really want, no matter what the world thinks

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7. ITS OKAY TO OPEN YOUR REAL SELF IN FRONT OF A FEW PEOPLE

Flynn Rider though a thief, confesses his real name to Rapunzel , irrespective of the kind of reactions from her. This is something we all need to know. We all have that one face that nobody knows. We don’t know if people will accept us with our pasts. But its important to share your dark shades with people who matter to you

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8. NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS

We all have that one dream that defines us. There are of course challenges in life, but the dreams are something very important. And its even more important to wake up and pursue that dream facing all the challenges. Aladdin has always taught me no matter who you are, no matter where you belong pursue your dreams even if it means facing the entire world against you.download (6)

9. GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE

Rapunzel was a girl who was caged for the 18 years of her life. All she wished for was to see those magical lanterns. She fought against her mother, against all the odds , got out of her comfort zone . She had to go through a lot of challenges on her way to see those lanterns. Now how are we different from her. Even we wish to see the lanterns , thousands of lanterns. Here, by lanterns I mean the secret wishes we have. For some , it may be a holiday abroad, for some it may be education or work abroad . For some it may be the secret dream you wished was fulfilled.

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10.YOU CONTROL YOUR DESTINY

Sometimes we feel that destiny has something in store for us. We always blame the destiny for our inefficiencies. When we don’t get something, its because ” may be that was not there in my destiny”. You had the rein of destiny in your hand. You are responsible for everything that happens in your life. If you have some kind of misery in your life, then you have the ability to sort out that misery . Whining about the challenges in your life won’t solve your problem.

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THE HOSTEL SYNDROME

When I was staying with my parents back during my undergraduate studies, life at hostel seemed blissful. I thought that people living in hostel must have a blissful life. No rok-toks. No where-how-why-when . It seemed so good. Be by yourself. Nobody to ask you anything. Freedom- ultimate bliss.

Well, everything has its own price.Free lunches aren’t free anymore. There are always hidden costs which we fail to see. 

My life changed when I had to move to Bangalore to continue my further studies. Fortunately or unfortunately ( depends on how you take it ) I had to take shelter in hostel. Now I stayed for 7 whole days in hostel with two other roomies. 

Let me just tell you this was the biggest nightmare of my life. Cat fights,bitching , quarrels ,gossips and what not. You see girls fighting over anything and everything. The room where you stay seems to be very small. You feel like there is no ventilation. Your room mates seem to have problem with everything you do.This was the time I understood that its so difficult to share your room with somebody else.Plus the food woes. Basically , I am a very fussy person when it comes to food. Spicy food is something that i can never handle. Not even a single spoon of spicy. My taste buds starts burning as if there is a sun that is placed on it. It burns so much. And with a few handpicked veggies , I start on my tantrums. 

Back at home, when mom used to prepare something, there were so much of tantrums by me. I’m sure many of us do that. I mean we have that right on mommy. Mommies understand us so well.But the world is not like that. Sometimes you expect something and you get something else in return.When you get out of your house, to live your life you tend to realise how difficult it is to handle everything in life. Specially , if you have to get up early in the morning ,-

  • make coffee for yourself
  • prepare breakfast for yourself
  • clean all the dishes
  • clean your house
  • shop the groceries all by yourself
  • be accountable for everything that you do 
  • cook for yourself
  • in case of sickness , go to a doctor by yourself

When you are so used to the pampering and love of your parents, you seldom realise how much they do for your sake. I never did realise how difficult it was . But the moment I moved in , I could make out how difficult life is. Okay!!! After bearing the torture in that hostel for about 7-10 days I realised its time. I’m moving out. I can’t stay in this place anymore. Is it so tough?? What did I expect?? I would be offered a mansion here with a dozen of servants at my every command,

Well, I was so desperate in looking for a new place that it took me to worse places. I had seen a hostel with a single occupancy room . But I was ready. It was too horrible to be even called a room. It was just a balcony which was covered by wooden planks as walls. And to tell you all of it, I was naive enough to accept to stay in it. But later on , I finalised with another place which was worse than this , but with a better security.

So, with this new room in a new hostel at first seemed so good. But, it had its own side effects. There is no ventilation in the room. No hot water for the bath. No proper taps. A fan which is absolutely not working. And a very small room where you can barely walk. And to think of it , I have lived this life for 6 months. Not that I’m complaining. I’m gonna miss this place.You know why?? This place has given me a lot of memories. Now you must me wondering , why am I speaking about memories and missing this place. Well, I’m moving to a house. Finally, a place that can be called a home. 

Gah!!! I miss home so much. When someone asks where you stay , I blabber home, and then suddenly realising, there is no home. Nah!!! I’m not getting senti here. Just little difficult to accept the fact. Yes!!! This is what happens when you step into a sea thinking its a small pond. 

THE ADDITIONAL BAGGAGE

We all have our own share of pain and worries that we stress about in our lives. When you look at a glass which is half filled with water what do you feel. Obviously, an optimist would see it as a half filled glass, a pessimist would see it as a half empty glass. But my question here , is that if you were to hold that glass for minute would it matter?? Now if you were to hold that glass for 10 minutes wouldn’t your hands pain?? Now if you were to hold that glass for about an hour your hands would definitely start feeling numb , isn’t it ??

It doesn’t matter how heavy the glass is . The longer you hold it , the more it pains. We all hold the glass for more than an hour . Here, the glass i’m stressing about is the stuff that we worry about unnecessarily. Worry about what is going to happen in the future. Worry about what has happened in the past. Worry about the mistakes of the past. Worry about the mistakes about the past.

Think of the people we had in our lives. We left some. Some left us. It doesn’t matter. They were there in our life for sometime and they have given us good memories to cherish. That is all that should matter.

When you are travelling , have you ever wondered if that extra baggage you had , wasn’t there what would happen?? Obviously you could have traveled with more comfort. Worries are just like those additional baggage, get rid of them to have a comfortable journey of life.

Get rid of everything in your life that you may classify as additional baggage